Batteries Not Included
by maravelous
Summary: AU; Well, life is funny. Why not? — ShikaTema, NejiTen & SasuKarin
1. NotIncluded

**AN. **This is just to get my mind off of the other fics that I'm over-stressing myself over. Also a holiday present to everyone lovely in the world.  
Expect fluff, but mostly friendly-friend fluff. The narrator in the first part isn't anyone, main characters: Neji, Shikamaru, Sasuke, Temari, TenTen, and Karin. Because. That's why.

* * *

—**Why Not?**

Multiple times as I walk the sanitized halls of Oakland High School, I am confronted with a single, delicious question. It is a question that comes in many sizes, shapes and colors, but one I can always recognize and answer eagerly. For it can always be summed up to one simple, delightful word:

"Why?"

It is a marvelous question to me, because it is a question without an answer. It is a question that can only be replied to with another question that I, personally, always look forward to answerasking:

"Why not?"

This is:

Batteries Not Included.

—**Seven Years.**

"What's the date?"

It's always the answer that gives it away.

"October third."

And TenTen is flying. Temari and Karin gaze in subtle interest as she leaps to her feet and slams her hands on the desk. "It's today!" she yells. Half of the school library turns around to stare at them, and Temari closes her eyes in calm irritation.

"TenTen, we went over this. Ino Yamanaka possesses the eyes of the Middle Eastern Effrit, and that thing…it can just look at you, and bam. You're dead. And she's looking at me _right now_."

"Come on, you guys can't tell me you're not excited!" TenTen cries, a glimmer in her eye. "Today's the day!"

Karin bites her lower lip as she sees TenTen's hand knock astray some pages of the homework she's been finishing desperately, and Karin reaches out to straighten them. "TenTen, sit down, you're breathing germs all over the desk," she complains.

TenTen obeys, but Karin can see her leg jiggling under the desk. "Do you remember back in fifth grade when you wore that locket around your neck, Temari?"

Temari nods slowly. "Yeah, but I was in _sixth_ grade, smart one."

"That doesn't matter, just listen; remember when we broke the mirror inside of it?"

Temari's eyes widen, and her mouth falls open. "Wait. That was on the third of October, wasn't it?! Seven years ago?!"

Karin blinks in surprise. "Really? Wow, it seems like such a long time ago. How did you remember, TenTen?"

"Because of Temari!" TenTen declares triumphantly, gesturing to Temari with a hand that almost knocks the glasses off of Karin's face. "She wouldn't shut up about it, and for two years after that, every October third she'd blame me for breaking her locket and cursing us all with seven years of bad luck!"

Karin adjusts her glasses cautiously, and again reassembles the papers on the table that the breeze made by TenTen's gesticulations had rustled. "Well, it _was _your fault."

"It was your fault too, Karin," Temari reminds her, leaning against the table with nostalgia. "I mean, I remember we were playing tag, and I was It. But you and TenTen thought it would be hilarious to switch, and you tackled me."

"It was TenTen's idea," Karin mutters as TenTen grins away, fond of the memory. "And I didn't do the tackling."

"Yeah, because you were too afraid to get dirty," TenTen teases.

"…With good reason." Temari threads her fingers together calmly. "Of course, I'm _never_ afraid to get my hands…_dirty_ to achieve some sort of…_revenge_, I guess you could say…"

Karin and TenTen stare at Temari, who smiles. "What's wrong?" she says innocently.

"Nothing."

"Nothing at all…"

They break any more mirrors, and Karin and TenTen suspect Temari will drag them down to the Middle East and feed them to the Effrits herself.

_Chapter One_**;  
****Not Included.**

—**Psychologically Ill.**

There is something wrong with her. Temari knows it. Every time she walks into her room she knows it.

It isn't that she's crazy or anything, no. It isn't that she's some sort of paranoid freak. She understands that she's not psychologically ill in any way.

She's just a crazy, paranoid, psychologically ill freak. That's all.

You see, her room gives it all away. You walk in, and the first thing you see is the small glass bottle hanging on the doorknob. That's to trap any sylph into avoiding her; they'll think the glass bottle is for them. It is, of course, genuine material to collect the undine's magical dust.

There are also the gothic charms she owns, hanging on every window in her room. That's to keep any Alfars from coming through. They're the little red-winged faeries that like to bite people in their sleep. When you're bit by an Alfar, you're dead in three hours.

Temari tries to go easy on her collections, actually. She doesn't actually _believe _in the creatures. She just likes the artifacts. They're pretty! And it's normal, right? A collection is common, right? The dream catcher above her bed is something a lot of people own, right? Even if it's made from genuine Native American leather, strung by the heels of rabbits…It's there to keep the nightmares away…

It's _normal._

"Temari, you bought _another_ Ellie trap?" TenTen asks, poking the tiny black box with the white insignia on top of it.

"Don't touch that," she snaps, slapping TenTen's hand like a child's. "And it's not an Ellie, its call an Ellyllon. They haunt cemeteries."

"Then why are you trying to trap them in your room?" Karin asks dully, sitting on the bed. She looks around the room. "And when will you clean this place?! There's dust everywhere, it's a wonder you don't have respiratory problems!" She drags a finger along one of the three bookshelves, staring at the dust she's collected on the tip of her finger.

Temari glares at her. "Why can't you guys just get over it?"

"Because Neji is constantly getting ill," TenTen says. "And it happens every time we all come over here."

"Oh, kill me because _he_ has a crappy immune system."

"…You brat."

—**Gender Scare.**

Boys are funny creatures to TenTen. Either everything is a mystery to them, or they're so goddamn excited about something they can barely contain themselves. TenTen absolutely adores the male species. Which is why she is confused as to why the school feels the need to separate them from her.

"And they arrive," Temari announces dully. "The triumphant return." TenTen looks up from her last minute homework and grins at Neji, Sasuke and Shikamaru trudging gloomily into the teacher's lounge.

"Ahhh," Shikamaru lets out in frustration, as if finally letting go of a long-held breath carrying all his burdens. He crashes on the couch and lets his head land on Temari's lap.

"Was it really that bad?" Karin asks as Neji drags a chair out from across the desk she and TenTen are sitting at, and Sasuke cowers in the arm chair.

"_Yes_," all three chant simultaneously.

"Oh come on," TenTen scoffs. "You had all last night to get over the annual 'Seminar Day'. For us girls it isn't really that bad. Isn't it a little too early in the morning to have a tantrum?"

"You have no idea," Neji says darkly, resting his head on Karin's book. "We're not girls. We're boys. And they seem to think we need the most help in school."

"It was hell," Sasuke says.

"Not only did we have to get here at five am and leave at five pm," Shikamaru mutters from Temari's lap. ", not only was it a complete sausage fest and completely boring, no, that wasn't the worst of it…"

"They gave us ACT preps, SAT preps, and they made us take another MEAP," Sasuke interjects. "It's like being a sophomore all over again."

Karin smiles wickedly. "Heh. Junior losers."

"Amen," Temari agrees cheerfully. "You guys are currently going through what I call the stage in which you realize what you got yourself into when you applied to an invite-only, upper-class, high-ranking High School. It's called 'a mistake'."

"Can you people not pity our suffering?" Sasuke asks in a moan.

"Hey, we had to go through the same thing three months ago, just without the tests," TenTen points out. "And besides, yesterday was boring for us! Shikamaru wasn't there to give us the key to the teacher's lounge, so we had to deal with the library, which was boring as hell!"

"And people were staring at us," Karin adds, Temari nodding. "And at Temari's house after school, no one else was there but us, and it was just _so bland_. We had to settle with watching a chick flick."

"Hey, you're lucky I suck up enough to the teachers to get this key," Shikamaru defends himself. "And you're lucky none of the teachers ever come in here, or we'd be kicked out by now."

"Yeah, yeah," Temari mutters, poking his cheek in her lap. "We're just pissed at the school. It's stupid with no boys around. Why do they do that anyways, separate us twice a year?"

"Maybe it's some sort of gender scare," Sasuke suggests thoughtfully.

"What, do they expect us to start rolling around on the ground having sex with each other within five seconds?" Neji asks complacently.

"…Either that, or they think we'll schedule a time to do it later," Karin states wisely.

"Well, that's just full of fail," Temari concludes.

"What do you mean?" asks Shikamaru.

"Well, they don't seem to realize that anyone can find ways to do that with someone of the same gender, too."

They're all suddenly thrown into a quixotic silence, staring off into space.

"…Yeah…"

None of them can actually deny; they've thought about something like that more than once. Well, they _are_ teenagers.

OH.  
—**TenTen**

Neji and TenTen have a class together in Forensic Science. They're reading a book about a man that was choking on an ice cube when someone tried to shoot him, and he was writhing so much that the bullet missed three times.

Curious, TenTen asks Neji, "Has anyone ever died by choking on water?"

"Yes," Neji responds. "It's called drowning."

…

…

"Oh."

—**Batteries Not Included.**

"Holy shirts, life is weird," Shikamaru mutters.

Temari blinks and looks up at him. "What do you mean?" Shikamaru is lucky enough to be in a Math class with her and the rest of her rather awkward graduating year, because teachers seem to believe 'the only way to get him to reach his full potential, to show his true quality, is to push him into a class of higher education'.

"This guy…" Shikamaru whispers down to Temari, nodding across the small, pale room to a boy sitting at a desk near the chalkboard. The two sit in the back, but Shikamaru seems a little nervous about something.

"Kimimaro?" Temari asks. "What about him?"

"Well, during the lecture, for some reason I was interesting myself in him. I think he's out to kill himself."

"…Suicide?"

"No. Homicide." Temari looks at him strangely. He raises his hands defensively. "No, I'm serious! He hates himself like another person! And what's particularly entertaining is that scab in the middle of his forehead."

Temari squints, and gasps. "Oh! I can see it!"

"Yeah! He always says, 'I don't know where I got it,' but I'm pretty sure he got it from constantly slamming his head into his bedroom wall while listening to 'Eleanor Rigby' on repeat from the silver boom box his deceased grandfather got him for his fourteenth birthday when he really wanted a PS2."

Temari's eyebrows lift clean off her face. Shikamaru nods gravely. "This is how bored I am."

"…Wow…" Temari shakes her head. "Shikamaru, you need to-"

_BEEP_!

Shikamaru and Temari both freeze when a loud, high-pitched beep comes from their direction. Everyone turns to stare at them.

Shikamaru clears his throat after a long silence. "Well, um…I guess we're lucky Asuma's not in the roo-"

"Shikamaru, Temari, which one of you has their phone on in my classroom?" Asuma asks, walking into the room.

"…I swear to god it wasn't mine! I will write down on a signed contract that threatens to feed me to five thousand homicidal new-born Chihuahuas that it wasn't mine!"

"No, see, see this is a _new _phone, and I got it in the mail, and…and it came with this freakin' slip of paper that said 'Batteries Not Included', so it _couldn't_ have been mine!"

"…Is it really that hard to confess?"

"Uh…Uh huh…"

"…Um…Y…Yeah, it…it really is."

—**Rejected Elves**

After school, Karin marches into the teacher's lounge. "Everyone," she announces, catching the attention of the rest of them, who are trying to finish their homework. "I must confess."

"…Okay, spill," TenTen orders.

"Well…you know how I'm doing that Coop program, and I get to work at the Elementary School?"

"Yeah?"

"What about it?"

"I have just told a group of five-year-old kids that candy canes are made from the bones of rejected elves."

…

"So…are their teeth sold as candy corn…?" Neji asks slowly.

Temari claps her hands together, businesslike. "Well, Karin, it seems you're going to Hell. Tell Satan I said Merry Christmas, will you?"

"It's October third…" Shikamaru contemplates sadly.

Sasuke is amused. "And this is why I hang out with you guys."

TenTen is laughing too hard to speak. Well, life is funny.

Why not?

* * *

TRUE STORY.  
—**Sasuke**

"One day, Karin and I decided to go to the library after school to finish our homework. We couldn't walk, because Karin insisted it was too cold, so we took the bus. I didn't really like taking the bus, because the people that were on it always freaked me out, but Karin was stubborn, so we climbed aboard. The ride was somewhat normal for a while, to my relief. But when we were almost to the library, we saw a little boy go up to an old man wearing a scarf wrapped around his mouth. He asked the old man if he was a ninja. The old man silently reached into his coat pocket, and when he pulled it out again he revealed a Shurikin, and put his finger to his lips. The little boy nodded understandably, and walked away. Karin's eyes were huge. Biggest 'I-told-you-so' of my life. True story."


	2. DamnKids

**AN. **Yes, this stuff does actually happen to me. Most of the story comes originally from my own experiences.  
Life is that strange. For instance, there could be a rather large crab behind you. It could be sitting on the back of your chair right now.  
RIGHT NOW.

* * *

—**Excuse Me.**

In Karin's third hour, Pre-Calculus, she has class with Sasuke and Neji. Karin sits between them. It's always pretty awkward. They like to poke Karin, or arrange their books and papers on the desk in a sloppy mess which Karin always can't help but try to fix up, but then they mess it up again. Sometimes, they stick random things on Karin's seat when she stands up, or they steal things from her, and they don't even say why.

Karin doesn't understand the male species. Only that sometimes they make her smile, and sometimes they make her so mad that she'd rather their fat traps be sealed hermetically with the super glue of which the fumes are used by forensic scientists for finding hidden fingerprints.

But Karin can always manage to find a way to avenge herself. And that is through cell phones. Sometimes, she texts them in the middle of class, and tells them jokes that make them laugh aloud, so they get in trouble during a lecture. And they can't blame Karin, because that would spoil the fact that they were texting during class, which would get them into even _more_ trouble.

However…the _worst_ thing about the male species is that they _never_ leave _anything_ behind them.

See, yesterday Karin texted both Sasuke and Neji, saying simply, 'Rejected Elves', and they both started laughing loudly. During a test. She is proud of almost getting a point knocked off of both their papers.

But today, her phone suddenly gives off this loud, obnoxious beep that resounds throughout the entire room. During the makeup tests. Most of the class is participating in silent study hall, but the kids that _are_ making up the test look pretty pissed off.

Kurenai, the teacher, stares at Karin directly with flashing eyes. Karin gulps, feeling those eyes boring straight into her. Sasuke and Neji on either side of her are smirking at each other, but otherwise blinking innocently.

"…Um…" Karin clears her throat.

"…Excuse me…"

The entire class bursts out laughing. Sasuke and Neji look disappointed, and Karin smiles and crosses her arms triumphantly as Kurenai rolls her eyes and turns back to grading papers.

To be frank, _face_.

This is:

Batteries Not Included.

—**Refrigerator.**

"What's wrong, Neji?" Temari asks. It's an hour before school, and they're all taking a drink of coffee from the coffee machine in the teacher's lounge as they finish their homework. Neji walks in grouchily, and sits down with a thud, face glum, as Sasuke slowly walks in behind him, seeming a little uncertain.

"I wouldn't ask him that," Sasuke says to Temari, sitting down on the sofa next to TenTen, who gets up to make two more cups of coffee.

"Is it the cell phone thing that happened yesterday?" Karin asks with a slight smirk on her face. "You guys seriously haven't gotten over that?"

"It's not that…" Neji says gloomily. "I have to get a new refrigerator."

"…That's random," Shikamaru says, tilting his head to the side curiously. "Sasuke, did you break it or something? I know you're living at Neji's uncle's now."

"No, I didn't break it," Sasuke says darkly. "It was…someone else…"

"Who?"

"Let me explain." Neji sits up and places his hands on the table in front of him. "Yesterday, a kid got stuck in my refrigerator."

Everyone is silent, then Temari dares speak. "Did this happen when you were babysitting your cousin or something?"

"The kid's turning seventeen in three months."

"…Naruto?"

"Naruto."

TenTen slowly sets down one of the coffees in front of Neji. "Not only do you need this, but you deserve it."

"Poor thing," Shikamaru agrees, shaking his head.

_Chapter Two_**;**  
**Damn Kids.**

—**Squash.**

At lunch, they all grab the teacher's lounge and feast on whatever they've stored in the refrigerator. It truly is a perk to being smart, their access to various places.

Sasuke is the last to come in, and TenTen smiles and pats the sofa next to her invitingly. "Hey, what took you so long?"

"I was doing a lab…" Sasuke walks over to the sofa and grabs a sandwich TenTen hands him. "Guys…I'm really scared."

"What, did your penis disappear at last?" Shikamaru asks with a grin, quickly dodging the toothpick thrown at him violently.

"It's about the lab!" Sasuke snaps. "You guys know Temari's brother's boyfriend, right?"

"Kiba?" Temari asks with a smile.

TenTen claps her hands together. "I love him, he's so psycho!"

"Yeah, that's not always a good thing," Sasuke says unenthusiastically. "I'm his lab partner in Advanced Chemistry, and today he broke our last beaker, so as he cleaned up I had to go to the supply closet and search for another one. I reached in the back, and I pulled out a ripe squash.

"…W…Wow…"

"…I don't…want to know…"

"You poor thing."

TOPICS OF CONVERSATION.  
—**Shikamaru**

After school, Shikamaru enters the teacher's lounge. TenTen and Neji are arguing about something alone in the room, and Neji is getting a little impatient. Finally, Neji says, "Oh go eat your aforementioned donkey kidney!"

"…What?"

The two of them stare at Shikamaru, frozen in the doorway, look at each other, and start laughing so hard they need to use each other as supports.

Argument resolved.

—**It's a dog!**

Today they're all going to Neji's house, which is so close to the school that they just have to walk there. It's a nice sunny day, and the six of them are screwing around, flicking off passing cars and likewise.

"Wow, we really are immature," Temari says with a laugh from Neji's shoulders, riding piggy-back style on him.

"Hey, we're kids," TenTen says with a shrug. "Might as well live a little while we still can, right?"

"True," Karin says happily. "Kids are pretty stupid."

"We're like those dogs that chase lasers and run into walls to get them," TenTen says thoughtfully.

Temari nods. "My brother's boyfriend has a really stupid dog named Akamaru."

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Neji asks.

Sasuke blinks seriously. "It's a dog."

Shikamaru looks over his shoulder, and smiles. "Oh my _god_! You! You are _brilliant_!"

"Shut up."

—**The Backpack.**

When they get to Neji's house, they decide to watch some TV in his and Sasuke's room, which is basically the entire basement. They all share the two beds, and they're skimming through channels while munching on popcorn, trying to find something good.

"Man, there are so many channels and nothing's worth laughing my ass off to!" TenTen complains.

"Well, there's always the High School's channel," Neji suggests. "Sometimes the drama club does weird stuff."

"True," Temari says. "What's the channel?" Neji takes the remote and punches the channel in for her.

The screen blinks, and suddenly, the scene on the television is a classroom at the High School. A deep voice says, "And now, a commercial message from the drama club, advertising the art club's newest creation; the one-hundred-dollar backpack."

A pretty girl and a bespectacled boy lean against a desk on the screen. "Hey, that's Ino and Shino!" TenTen says. "They're really good, they were in the school play last year."

"Well, this is a _commercial_, TenTen," Karin says. "Acting skill has nothing to do with it."

Bored, the two actors on the screen lounge against the desk in the classroom. Each possesses a shabby green backpack.

"Wow!" Shino says quite loudly. "My backpack is really boring and doesn't hold enough books!"

"Mine too," says Ino. "I wish I had a _better_ backpack."

Suddenly, _You Shook Me All Night Long_ by _ACDC_ begins to play. The camera moves to the door of the classroom, and a boy with jet black hair walks backwards into the classroom, showing off a black backpack studded with a rainbow of stars which is slung across his shoulders.

"And that's Sai," Temari says.

"Yeah, he's in our grade," Karin says. "He likes to draw on my thigh in the middle of class."

The other two actors on the screen let out simultaneous, very practiced gasps at the sight of Sai. "Wow! That backpack is amazing!" Ino gushes as Sai walks casually to the beat of the music over to a desk, where he begins to shovel an entire pile of dictionaries into the bag. "Look how many books he can fit inside of it! And it never breaks!"

Shino struts over to Sai. "Hey, I want that backpack!"

"No, it's mine!" Sai declares. They promptly begin an incredibly staged fight over the backpack, purposefully pulling it very hard back and forth.

"Oh my!" Ino cries from the side. "Look! No matter how hard they pull, it doesn't rip in half!"

Sai finally yanks the bag away from Shino and strides past Ino proudly. "Not only that," Ino continues as Sai begins to demonstrate. ", but it's the fashion icon of the season! Its two straps give you the option of slinging the bag over either shoulder – even both! – and the stars covering it make it colorful, stylish, and worthy of its name; the one-hundred-dollar backpack!"

Sai lifts the backpack into the air, and hugs it. Ino smiles fondly. "Overall, it gives you the warm, fuzzy feeling that the normal brand of backpacks just can't give you!" She and Shino throw their backpacks to the floor dramatically. "We're going to get the one-hundred-dollar backpack, the only backpack that can make you happy!"

All of them face the camera. "The one-hundred-dollar backpack! Everyone wants it!" they all shout so loudly that the sound quality hisses for a brief second.

Ino begins to fawn over Sai and his backpack as Shino watches with envy, nursing a fake wound that he got from the fake fight over the backpack he'd had with Sai earlier. The same deep voice speaks in the background again:

"Side effects may include back pain, bruised or chaffing shoulders, ulcers, hernias, whiplash, blindness, and rejection. Avoid using the one-hundred-dollar backpack as a parachute while leaping from an airplane, and do not use the one-hundred-dollar backpack if over 40 years of age or pregnant. Do not attempt to digest orally the one-hundred-dollar backpack. The creators of the one-hundred-dollar backpack are not responsible for any interference during your experience with the one-hundred-dollar backpack."

The camera switches to a scene with Ino holding the backpack up in one hand, and a small spray can that looks like a can of hairspray taped over with blue construction paper in the other hand. "Call now at 1-800-999-999-9999, and not only will you win every fight you get into, and get a pretty blonde girl to fall in love with you, but you'll also get this free cleaning solution!"

She holds up the bag, and begins to demonstrate. "Just spray it on…" She sprays the can on the bag. It becomes soaked with water. "…and wipe it off!" She swipes her hand clumsily over the bag. Nothing happens, it just drips. "It's that simple!"

The camera switches to a scene with Shino holding up the spray can. "Be sure not to get the free cleaning solution on your hands, face, clothes, or anything of personal value. Everything it comes in contact with will disintegrate…" He pauses, then says on a lighter note, "With enzymatic action!"

The scene switches to Sai holding up the bag as Ino and Shino dance behind him to the beat of the music. "Just call 1-800-999-999-9999. That's 1-800-999-999-9999. Once again, that's 1-800-999-999-9999."

All of them face the camera, grinning cheekily. "Call today! _Yeah_!" They all jump into the air, and the screen turns black.

…

Neji is the first brave soul to break the silence. "I think they made it because they didn't think anyone would watch it. Like that time they had half an hour of a dance party."

"Seriously…" TenTen is in awe. "This is the only channel I'm ever watching from now on."

"For some reason, I feel the need to give them all twenty dollars," Shikamaru says quietly.

Sasuke heaves a sigh. "Kids…"

* * *

TRUE STORY.  
—**Shikamaru**

"One day in Math class, Temari told me that whenever I acted immature, which, in her opinion, I did often, she always felt a lot better about herself. I told her I didn't know what she was talking about. Later on, during a lecture, I raised my hand to ask a question. The kid on the other side of me also did at the same moment. Without any verbal communication, we slammed our arms together and began an epic battle, as if we were fighting with swords. This went on for a while, until we noticed the teacher had stopped his discussion and everyone was looking at us. We paused, but a moment later the kid took his hand, slammed my arm to the table, and wacked me on the neck, then stood up and asked his question: 'Can I go to the bathroom?' Temari was very happy after that. True story."


	3. SimpleMath

**AN. **I'm referencing my Forensic Science notes in this chapter. The study of anthropology is very interesting.

* * *

—**Vibration!**

Forensics with Neji is fun. TenTen thoroughly enjoys every class. He's smart, so labs are easy to complete, and then they finish so quickly that they can talk for the rest of the hour. And, when one can tell that the other is bored in the middle of a lecture, they decide to send each other funny text messages back and forth.

Unfortunately, today TenTen has forgotten to set her phone to silent instead of vibrate.

"…And you can actually find out how old someone was by examining their epiphyses, or growth plates."

Unfortunately, today is the day the class is being introduced to their unit on bones. The most boring unit of all.

"And actually, posthumously, you may be able to examine the hip bones. The smoother they are, the older a person is, vice versa."

Unfortunately, Neji has decided that now is a good moment to surprise TenTen with a text.

"Now, as I've said, algor mortis sets in much later than we've been studying, but we'll be looking at exaggerated time frames."

Unfortunately, her cell phone has been set askew, so it's brushing against the arm of a large football player, the boy who just happens to be sitting at the desk next to her.

"The settling of the muscles may affect the research on the bones you are going to be-"

"VIBRATION!"

The entire class stares in subtle shock at the shrieking football boy, who flies to his feet uncharacteristically, sending his binder flailing through the air, his papers flipping all across the room.

TenTen's mouth slowly falls open, seeing her cell phone vibrating in a steady hum on his desk. As she notices vaguely Neji stifling a laugh, she slowly picks up her cell phone, and turns it off. The football player stares at her, a small blush on his cheeks.

She faces him nervously. "Um, well…I guess you got that out in the open."

"…Y…Yeah…"

This is:

Batteries Not Included.

—**Skipping Sunday.**

"Neji, you always walk in here every morning with this sad look on your face," Shikamaru says piteously, staring at the boy as he trudges into the teacher's lounge with Sasuke gloomily one morning.

"What's wrong this time?" Karin asks curiously, walking over with two cardboard cups of coffee. She hands them to the boys. "We were waiting for you guys, did something happen?"

"We just woke up late," Sasuke explains with a small yawn, sitting on the sofa next to TenTen and letting her pinch his cheek churlishly. "We had a really weird weekend."

"Yeah, when you texted me back you were really out of it," Temari says, looking up from Shikamaru's homework which she is currently copying desperately. "What happened?"

Neji sighs. "Well, yesterday I got a call from the school asking why I wasn't present."

"…But yesterday was Sunday."

"Totally."

_Chapter Three_**;**  
**Simple Math.**

—**Apocalyptic Doubts.**

"Everyone here except for Temari and Karin is going to graduate in the year the world is supposed to end," Sasuke mumbles later that morning, five minutes 'till the warning bell. They're all packing up, getting ready to head down to their individual first hours.

"Heh. That sucks," Temari says with a grin. "Just think about it; if you and Shikamaru had skipped _one more grade_ than you already did, you would be in _our_ grade, and you wouldn't be dead before you could get your diploma!"

"Yeah, way to rub it in," TenTen says with a sigh. "Shikamaru, didn't they actually give you the option of skipping _two_ grades, but you turned it down?"

"Yeah, I guess I made a mistake there," Shikamaru laughs guiltily.

"Oh, all this apocalyptic crap is stupid," Karin snaps, putting her books away into her bag.

"Hey, it was predicted by the Mongolians or something like that," Temari says defiantly. "It's kind of a big deal."

Karin frowns. "I'd bet you fifty dollars that the world won't end in 2012!"

"…But that would just give you the wisest financial decision ever made…" Shikamaru says slowly.

Sasuke glances up. "Really? Why?"

The others all stare at him.

"…Seriously?"

"Um…let's go to first hour, Sasuke," Karin says cautiously, taking his arm gently and leading him out of the room.

"Wait, but I don't get it…"

"It's okay…"

OH.  
—**Karin**

In first hour, Karin and Sasuke have Creative Writing together. They're using a list of prompts that their teacher gave them, and writing short paragraphs based off of those prompts. Karin's prompt is cookies.

Trying to find a fun flavor to use for cookies, Karin distractedly asks Sasuke, who sits next to her, "Do they make cookie-dough flavored cookies?"

Sasuke turns to face her. "Yes. They're called cookies."

…

…

"Oh."

—**Poker Face?**

At lunch, the subject of bets is still on with Temari and Karin. They sit at the table in the teacher's lounge, ignoring the sandwiches around them, and play Uno.

"What are they doing?" TenTen asks with her mouth full of PopTart.

"Don't ask," Shikamaru says, shaking his head as he watches them. Karin is biting her bottom lip nervously, Temari seems excited about something.

"Uno!" she says as she flips a card down onto the deck.

Karin makes a frustrated noise, and puts down a green "Skip" card. Temari just sways happily with her one card clenched eagerly between her hands. Karin puts down a green "5". Temari grins, and slaps down a _red_ "5". "Hah! I win! You owe me ten bucks!"

"Ah, _shit_!"

"You guys were seriously _gambling_ on an _Uno_ game?" Neji asks, raising an eyebrow.

"For some reason they managed to make it really exciting too," Sasuke comments, staring at the sloppy deck that Karin's grouchily trying to clean up as Temari dances gleefully in her seat. "That was probably the most epic game of Uno I've ever seen."

"Maybe because my lunch money was at stake!" Karin snaps at him. "Temari, stop dancing!"

"Sore loser!"

—**The Scream.**

In Shikamaru's Advanced Literature class, he's so bored that he finds himself interested in his teacher, Kakashi, who's taking out his cell phone at the moment.

The usual joke comes to his mind about how cell phones aren't allowed during class, so he slyly leans over his desk and says, "I'm gonna have to take that away, Mister."

Kakashi rolls his eyes sarcastically. "Very funny. I just need to make a quick call."

"Yeah, yeah." Shikamaru yawns and crosses his arms on the desk curiously. "Who ya gonna call?"

Kakashi turns to Shikamaru and tries to answer back, but someone in the class answers for him in an enormous scream:

"GHOSTBUSTERS!"

Kakashi and Shikamaru both turn around and stare at the rest of the class. It's completely silent. Everyone blinks at them in confusion.

"Who the hell was that?"

It is a question which Shikamaru fears will forever go unanswered.

—**Winner.**

As Temari is walking with Karin to their second to last class, she notices something in Karin's hands. "Hey, what the hell?!" she cries, stopping in the hall. "Where did you get those ten dollars?! I thought you gave them to _me_!" She pats her pockets, feeling around for the ten dollar bill, but can't find it in her pockets anymore.

"Oh. I found it in the hall after lunch today. You must have dropped it." She stops in front of a doorway. "Well, this is my classroom. See you later."

"Wait! But that's totally unfair!"

"Yeah, well…Hey, guess what." Karin looks over her shoulder, and gives Temari a sly grin. "I win."

"…Bitch."

"Sore loser."

—**Sweet Fire.**

When Neji walks into the teacher's lounge after school, TenTen is already in there. She seems frustrated, so he walks over and sits next to her slowly. "What's wrong?"

"I'm gonna fail my math class if I don't do tonight's homework assignment," she mumbles sadly, looking up at him glumly. ", and I don't get it!"

He tilts his head to the side. "Well, I'm sure I can help you. You're in Algebra 2, right?"

"Correct!" She grins at him hopefully, and he scoots his chair next to her and flips through the book in front of her. He raises an eyebrow. "Weird. I thought I saw Karin using this book this morning," he says as she leans back in her chair.

She looks up at him. "Oh, that's right. I switched books with her today. I'm using her locker, and I accidentally grabbed the wrong one. I switched back later."

"Huh. Weird." Neji clears his throat. "So, what page is it?"

She grins up at him. "You're really helping me? I thought you didn't like helping people with their homework."

"That's _normal_ people," he said with a smirk.

"…Hey!" She laughs a little. "Oh well, I guess I can't complain. Thanks for the help, Neji. You're a sweetheart." She suddenly leans up and kisses him on the cheek.

He blinks in surprise, and glances down at her, blushes spreading quickly along both of their cheeks. "…Was that for being sweet…?" he asks slowly.

"No, that was for helping me with my homework," she mumbles shyly, avoiding his gaze. An idea seems to come to her, though, and she smiles. "And this is for being sweet." She grabs the collar of his shirt and pulls him down so his face is level with hers.

He smiles a bit too. "Well, I am a sweetheart. I guess I should do sweet things."

"Sweet things can be arranged…" TenTen says softly, laughing a little. "…How about-?"

"-FIRE!"

The two of them jump and let go of each other, and their heads both snap to the open door of the teachers lounge. A couple kids are making a fuss outside the room, running around in the hallway and screaming "FIRE!" at the top of their lungs.

"Whoa, is there really a fire?" TenTen asks cautiously.

"I dunno. The alarm would have been pulled if there was," Neji says. "I wonder what-"

"THE SUN IS ON FIRE!"

…

…

"…I'm kind of trying not to look out the window right now."

"It's hard, isn't it?"

—**Loser**.

"Wait, but maybe he was listening to _Yellow Submarine_ instead of _Eleanor Rigby_. I mean, the scab on his forehead_ does_ scream _The Beatles_, but honestly, I just don't see _Eleanor Rigby_, really…" Temari and Shikamaru are discussing…well, something, as they're on their way to the teacher's lounge.

"Just listen to the instruments, you'll understand! It's perfect forehead-beating music!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about! Yellow Submarine actually has a _beat_, Eleanor Rigby is just pretty noise that-!"

"-Temari, I'm gonna incinerate you!"

Shikamaru and Temari turn around to face Karin, marching along the hallway, glaring furiously and dragging a reluctant Sasuke behind her. "Oh, hi Karin," Temari says easily.

"You took my ten dollars!"

"What?!" Temari glares at Karin. "You _lost _it?!"

Karin stops in front of Temari and Shikamaru, letting Sasuke go snappily. "…You…didn't steal it…?"

"How could you lose those ten dollars, Karin?!"

"I-I don't know, the last time I remember having them I was using them as a bookmark in my math book…"

Meanwhile, in the teacher's lounge, TenTen has found a strange surprise.

"Neji. I just found ten dollars in my Math Book."

"Really? Who put it there?"

"Someone who wants to reward me for opening it for the first time."

* * *

TRUE STORY.  
—**Karin**

"One day I was working on my homework for creative writing class during homeroom. I was getting a little frustrated, so I asked Sasuke, who usually sits next to me in homeroom, for help. He just shrugged and told me to ask Naruto, who sits on the other side of me. I reminded Sasuke that he usually warns me against asking Naruto for help, because he's always so frustratingly confusing. But Sasuke was tired that day, so I asked Naruto for help anyway, and he accepted. I threw at him random adjectives whenever I got stuck, and he tossed back to me a prompt significant to that adjective. We were doing fine, but then I got to the word 'Delicious'. He said 'Your epiglottis'. Sasuke almost broke Naruto's arm. I was partially disturbed, but I guess that at least woke Sasuke up. Besides, there's nothing more romantic than a guy breaking another guy's arm in defense of your delicious epiglottis. True story."


	4. CautionTape

**AN. **I listened to Mika while writing this. I suggest listening to him while reading as well.  
O h B i l l y B r o w n . . .

* * *

—**Pickupthephone!**

Neji is at a family meeting.

The Hyuuga family is strict. While Neji is not exactly as conservative as them, he is only conceived as an exception. The rest are prone to tradition, and expect nothing less from the Hyuuga offspring.

Unfortunately, Neji's attitude and spunky sense of humor seem to have rubbed off on Hanabi and Hinata Hyuuga, Neji's two younger cousins. Hanabi in particular.

Hanabi is nonetheless…slightly socially disturbed, at least in Neji's point of view. Hyperactive and silly, her favorite hobby is jumping up and down on the sofa cushions, throwing food at the wall, and drinking soda in large quantities so that eventually she resorts to talking too fast for her mouth to move. Three things Neji has taught her how to do.

Hiashi, Neji's uncle and guardian, tries to keep the Hyuuga children's true potential regarding insanity a secret from the rest of the family. He also tries to keep a secret the fact that he is harboring Sasuke Uchiha, one of Neji's best friends, in the basement of his house, which basically serves as Neji and Sasuke's room now.

He has already told all the children whom he allows to live in his house that in order for him to remain at his position at the head of the family he needs to be professional and polite. And to get that air from him, his children need to be the same, at least when family is around.

But TenTen, a particularly close friend to Neji, doesn't seem to be intent on helping him out.

Last night, TenTen came over to Neji's house, and stayed in the basement for about an hour, playing around with Hanabi and recording weird things on Neji's phone.

One of those weird things was a ringtone, which Neji still has yet to erase.

The family isn't strict when it comes to cell phones. If someone gets a text during a family meeting, it's alright to silently and discreetly read it. If someone's phone goes off, it's not a big deal if they need to excuse themselves for a short moment to receive the call.

What they _are_ strict about, is abnormality.

"_Oh_, it's Hanabi, pickupthephone, pickuptheph_-Oh_, it's Hanabi, pickupthephone pickuptheph-_oh_, it's _Hanabi, pickupthephone_, Oh, it's Hanabi _pickupthephone_! COOKIES! OH MY GOD, GIVE ME SOME OF THOSE COOKIES, TENTEN! GIVE ME SOME-_ Oh_, it's Hanabi, pickupthephone, pickuptheph_-Oh_, it's Hanabi, pickupthephone…"

The entire family, sitting in the banquet hall of the church they've rented, all shift as one, turning to stare at Neji, who sits still, eyes huge as Hanabi's voice calls out of his cell phone repeatedly.

The real Hanabi immediately bends over, laughing so hard she can't breathe. Neji gradually stands up, reaches into his pocket, and turns off his phone. Slowly, he turns on his heel and exits the banquet hall, slipping into the men's restroom as Hanabi's laughter echoes off the wall and Hinata's tiny smirk burns holes in the corner of his eye.

He leans against the tiled wall, and flips up the cell phone.

'TenTen called, 11:35 AM'

"I am going to steal every cookie that comes within her reach," Neji promises himself breathlessly. "She will _never eat a cookie again_."

The goriest threat you can make.

This is:

Batteries Not Included.

—**The Clause Hunters.**

"Grah. I'm sleepy."

Neji looks up from his spot next to Sasuke on the sofa as Shikamaru enters the teacher's lounge the next morning. "This guy is too," he says, poking Sasuke's cheek; the boy's head is currently resting on Neji's shoulder. "He's been trying to fall asleep on me all morning."

Shikamaru laughs a bit as he sits on Neji's other side. "Jeez, Sasuke, what did you do last night to keep you up?"

"I made macaroni art," he mumbles, leaning to the other side and letting his cheek rest on the sofa's arm now.

"…Okay…" Shikamaru lets his bag drop to the ground. "Hey Neji, you know your new car is kind of creepy, right?"

"How so?" Neji asks.

"Well…Karin called me last night in a hysteria asking if I was okay. Remember when I was talking to her yesterday, and you just pulled up, grabbed me, threw me in the passenger seat and drove away?

"…Um…"

"Your car is black. With tinted windows."

Neji stares at Shikamaru thoughtfully. "…Oh…"

"Yeah."

"Sorry…"

"It's okay. But just to let you know, Karin thinks you're part of a secret government-sponsored organization called The Clause Hunters or something like that. So you might want to watch out for flying bananas or anything of the sort."

"I'll be sure to keep my eyes open."

_Chapter Four_**;  
Caution Tape.**

—**Hurdle the Weak.**

"Hey, did you guys know that our school was made by a man that used to build prisons?" Sasuke suddenly points out later that morning when they're all in the room, sharing hot cups of coffee courtesy of Temari.

"What? Really?" TenTen excitedly lets her feet rest up on the desk. Shikamaru raises an eyebrow. "How did you figure that out, Sasuke?"

"Well you guys know I'm into architecture, right? Well, I'm doing this project for building designs, and I decided to do some backup research on our school."

"Wow." Temari crosses her arms thoughtfully and gestures around the enclosed room. "That really explains a lot. I mean, our school _does_ look like a prison."

"Yeah, that's right. Like how the escape windows only lead out into the courtyard," TenTen agrees.

"Ah, that's creepy!" Karin shudders and hugs herself. "What would we do if we had to get out?! What would the plan be?!"

"Hurdle the weak."

They all turn to stare at the corner of the room.

"…W…Wow…"

"That's…that's just grim, Neji."

"Yeah, you're really…Wow, ouch…"

—**Femus?**

"Yes! Uno!" Temari laughs wickedly as Neji across from her glares at his hand of five cards. It's lunch, and everyone but Karin and Sasuke are in the teacher's lounge.

Shikamaru and TenTen share an exasperated look. "It seems Uno has pretty much taken over our free time," TenTen says sadly.

"Hey, it's fun," Temari says as she dances in her seat churlishly with her single card. "Beats gambling, anyways. This game isn't _all_ luck. It takes cunning, crude skill, angst…"

"Color coordination?" Shikamaru suggests.

Temari shrugs. "I like it, end of story. Your turn, Neji."

"Uh, hang on, I've got a call." Neji takes out his cell phone. "Huh, it's from Karin. Wonder what's wrong."

"Ah! Tell her I'm beating you in Uno for me!"

"You wish." Neji flicks open his phone. "Hello?"

…

"…What…?"

…

"Whoa, um, calm down…"

…

"Um…Do you need a paper bag…?"

Shikamaru sighs. "Neji, put her on speaker." The Hyuuga does so, and immediately her voice is frantically mumbling something over the pone.

"Karin, I put you on speaker…" Neji says loudly to the phone.

"…What?! Stop wasting time, Neji, this is serious! It's about Sasuke!"

"Ah!" Shikamaru grins as he put his sandwich down. "His penis disappeared! I knew it!"

"Oh my muffins." Temari rolls her eyes. "Karin, what's wrong with Sasuke? Where is he?...And where are you for that matter?"

"_Both of us _are in _the_ _hospital_."

Shikamaru loses his grin. Neji blinks. "…Okay, I'm taking you off speaker…" he says slowly. He presses a button on the phone and puts it to his ear. "What happened?"

…

"Articulate please..."

…

"…He broke his _what_…?"

…

"…Sasuke broke…his…fetus…?"

…

"…His…_femur_…?"

…

"Wait, don't hang—!" Neji winces, and sighs, closing his phone and slipping it into his pocket. "Temari, we're going to have to save this game of Uno for later."

"What?! Come on, I was _so close_!"

"I'm kind of shocked, Temari," TenTen says grimly, "that you're worried about your Uno game and not the fact that Neji suggested Sasuke has broken either his _fetus_ or his _femur_."

"That's what it sounded like!" Neji defends himself.

Temari winces. "You have a point. Agh…I've heard that people can break their femurs. It's supposed to be the most painful thing to experience."

Neji glances at Shikamaru, who's biting his lip. "You still gonna make fun of his penis?"

"No, I'm done."

"Okay. Come on, guys, we're going to the hospital."

…

"…What is it, Temari?"

"…Can…can we just say that I won and-?"

"Oh my muffins."

—**Abstinence.**

"Where did you get that candy?!" At the hospital, they're waiting to be allowed into Sasuke's room, sharing a bench outside his room. Apparently they're not allowed to visit without the doctor's permission, and at the moment the doctor is in another room. Shikamaru, to pass the time, is unwrapping a Jolly Rancher.

"Hm?" He looks over at TenTen. "Oh, I got it in health class today."

"…That's ironic…" Neji says slowly.

Shikamaru shakes his head and pops it into his mouth. "No, see, there were these two really stupid speakers talking about this abstinence crap, and they told us to come up with strategies for saying no to sex, and for every one they liked we'd get a Jolly Rancher. I was kind of joking around, so mine was to say, 'Sorry, I've got AIDS'. They gave me a Jolly Rancher, and they were all laughing and whatnot, and then they asked me, just joking, if that would be handy in any other situation. I said that if you were getting raped, then yeah, it would. They asked what else someone should do if they're getting raped, so I said that yodeling would probably work, and they gave me two more Jolly Ranchers and a Dumdum."

"So you're…you're pretty much set, huh?" Temari asks, looking longingly at Shikamaru's pocket where the wrapper of a Dumdum is sticking out.

He grins in content. "Yup."

Temari sighs. "I always thought abstinence was stupid."

Shikamaru looks up at her, and suddenly, he's very interested. "…Really?"

"Don't get your hopes up, buddy."

"…Well jeez…"

—**Finger.**

"So we had to listen to Karin ranting about fetuses, skipped school, drove here in Neji's car and almost got in three accidents because TenTen and Shikamaru were throwing silly putty all over the place and some of it got on the windshield…three times, and waited outside of your room for half an hour to wait for permission to get inside of it, only to figure out that you just _broke your pointer finger_?"

"Yes, Temari, yes." Karin sighs calmly as Temari slams her face into her hands. "I didn't _tell _you to do all that."

"But you made such a big deal over it!" TenTen cries as Temari fakes sobs into her palms.

Karin, on the other side of the small hospital room from the rest of them, who share the sofa, simply shrugs nonchalantly and swings her legs back and forth from atop the sanitary table. "I was worried," she defends herself, wrapping her arms around Sasuke reassuringly. He sits next to her, a depressed frown on his face.

"Hm," Neji sits up a bit. "So, Sasuke. You broke your _finger_?"

"…Well…yeah…" Sasuke watches as Neji catches Shikamaru's eye slyly, who grins and sits up as well. "That's _terrible_!" Shikamaru declares, mouth agape in mock awe. "You poor thing, I mean, you must have been in so much _trauma_!"

"Yeah, totally," Neji says, barely hold back his laughs. "How did it happen?"

"I…slipped on a newspaper…"

And that is how they crack. Neji and Shikamaru almost fall off the sofa with the momentum of their loud, obnoxious roars of simultaneous laughter.

TenTen winces as Shikamaru almost kicks her. "Guys, shut up."

"Yeah, don't be so heartless," Karin scolds.

"But that's not even a big deal! I mean – haha! – oh my god, what if you had been knocked into a coma or something?! Oh my god! That would be so fucking funny! Haha!"

Shikamaru can't continue, so Neji does for him. "And how, by slipping on a magazine?! Really?!" He leans back in the sofa, clutching his stomach at he laughs some more. "Are you sure it wasn't just some really pathetic suicide attempt?! Haha!"

Temari glares at the two. "You guys suck! Look at poor Sasuke, sitting there all sad and in pain, and you're sitting there _laughing_ at him!"

"_Thank_ you," Sasuke mumbles.

"Aw, you are so cute!" TenTen squeals as Temari beams. Karin nods eagerly and cries "Isn't he?!" as Shikamaru and Neji's chuckles die slowly.

"Jeez," Shikamaru mutters, suddenly darkening and glaring at Sasuke, who sits from between Karin's arms morosely. "You're an ass, you hate everything, you try to kill yourself with another issue of Vogue, and all the girls are still chasing after you blindly."

"What faith and endurance they must have," Neji agrees sadly.

TenTen smacks Shikamaru's head. "Hey, we are _not_ chasing after him blindly! We just think he's adorable!"

"Not bad-looking either, though, you have to admit," Temari adds suddenly. TenTen turns to gaze at Sasuke, and, with a dreamy smile, says, "Yes. This is true."

Karin giggles contentedly as Sasuke rolls his eyes, avoiding Shikamaru and Neji's glowers. "Can we change the subject?"

"Whatever you want!" Karin sings sweetly, resting her face on his arm.

He glances down at her, then stares at the wall thoughtfully as he asks, "What's a 'femur'?"

Before anyone else in the room can even open their mouths, Karin cries, "Oh!", and without warning slings her leg over Sasuke's lap.

Sasuke jumps slightly, and glances hurriedly between Karin's leg and Karin's face as Karin leans in and says with a blush and an eager smile, "It's right…here..." She suddenly takes Sasuke's hand, extends his pointer finger, and drags it slowly and seductively down her thigh.

Sasuke's eyes are huge. So are everyone else's in the room. But a smile curves at his lips, and he says, "Oh. So it's right…here…?" and lets his hand trace her thigh very slowly.

She giggles and says happily, "Yup. Right there…"

As they continue to explore the femur, on the other side of the room, TenTen and Temari are trying not to smile too widely while Shikamaru slowly leans towards the stunned Neji and says under his breath, "I bet Sasuke wishes it was his fetus."

OH.  
—**Temari**

Occasionally, when Temari gets slightly passionate about something random, Temari tends to rant. She can rant about a smudged window, or an itchy shirt, or even a dog that has too big a head. But when she rants, she slightly loses a bit of sensibility.

"Why are hospitals non-cell-phone-accessible? What would happen if I got hurt really badly?"

She and Shikamaru are walking to Neji's car after getting themselves some Vitamin Water from the vending machine in the cafeteria, and she's trying to respond to a text message.

Shikamaru suddenly stops Temari, takes her shoulders in his hands, and leans down to stare into her eyes. "Temari," he says calmly. "You're in a hospital."

…

…

"Oh."

—**Tailless Squirrels.**

Shikamaru thinks there is someone following him around trying to figure out what freaks him out the most. See, around his house there resides a preponderance of multiple squirrels. Or, as described in his words, "Tons of furry little imps scurrying about everywhere with their saliva drooping off of their sticky, matted fur."

Shikamaru very much dislikes the creatures in the first place, but as if that's not enough, they just _have_ to come up with a new tactic to disgust him; they have no tails.

Shikamaru often lies awake at night wondering how they get by, those tailless squirrels. Not that he pities them at all, he's more curious than anything. He makes the point that squirrels are supposed to be able to balance _because _they posses their tails. They move their tails from side to side to keep their weight steady and assure the lessened risk of falling to their dooms. Well, he's seen tons of these squirrels _without_ tails practicing for the tight rope in the circus along the telephone wire outside his bedroom window. Never seen one of them fall, not once.

Shikamaru doesn't know how they do it. Maybe they wiggle their little stumps, like those ugly little spotted pit-bulls do when they're really, really happy? He always comes to random conclusions concerning their ability to balance like that, but every time he thinks of a really good solution to his dilemma of disconcertion, some improbability pops up, and the stupid idea eludes him again.

Shikamaru has, however, noticed their _in_ability to walk. Or skitter. Whatever it is normal squirrels do to run around on land collecting berries and the like, these things don't do it. Shikamaru has never seen them try any locomotive tactic except the leap. Yes, even on the telephone wires and tree branches, all they do is hop around, rarely stopping. Maybe the momentum makes them feel better about themselves.

Shikamaru has gone over too many conclusions to really break it down. But he's come to a couple possibilities There could be a cat going around of which prefers the tails. Or maybe some idiosyncratic freak gets sick satisfaction out of chopping off the rear ends of small fuzzy animals. But the most favorable and realistic option to Shikamaru is that there's a plague going around causing all the squirrels to acquire a genetic mutation, passed on from generation to generation of squirrel, that ultimately results in tail loss and a leaping fetish.

Either way, Shikamaru is always excited to see anything _normal_ anymore, so as he's walking with Sasuke to Neji's house later that weekend and sees a large, nutmeg brown squirrel with the bushiest tail he's ever seen run across their path, stop shortly, and run on again, it's pardonable that Shikamaru would cry, "IT HAS A _TAIL_!" at the top of his lungs.

Only, it's not exactly pardonable that he would fling his arms into the air, and hit Sasuke's broken finger, causing him to howl in pain, and chase the squirrel away into the shelter of a nearby bush.

"Uh…Sorry, Sasuke…"

"What the hell did I do to the world?"

"That is up to the interpretation of the world, my friend."

"Shikamaru, stand still while I kill you."

"…Okay…"

* * *

TRUE STORY.  
—**Temari**

"Whenever my brother's boyfriend brings his dog Akamaru over, the animal clings to me. Kiba says he has a crush on me. It's cute, but I ignore him most of the time. Except when he swats me with his paw, which means he wants attention. That gets annoying. Like this one time Shikamaru was over, and he started goofing around with me on the sofa. Akamaru was jealous, it seemed. He swatted Shikamaru right in the face. Shikamaru got scratched, so I scolded Akamaru, and just kind of playfully swatted him back. I guess Akamaru thought I was breaking up with him, because he punched me in the face with his paw…So in the end, Shikamaru's skin was broken, and I got a black eye. And Akamaru? He was only eleven months old. True Story."


	5. LikeMagic

**AN. **I choked on a goldfish today. I'd put that into the story, but it's too complicated. Your brain would implode if you read it.  
Of course, it may implode anyways…

* * *

—**The Flying Waffle.**

This lovely Saturday morning, Temari sits on the stool in front of her kitchen counter munching on some breakfast, a plateful of waffles. It's early, and although Gaara is next to her searching the fridge for something of his own meal, Kankerou is still snoring in his bedroom to the right. Temari likes waking up early in the morning, because when she sleeps in she feels dirty.

Someone else who also enjoys getting up early, surprisingly enough, is Shikamaru, who sleeps so much throughout the day that there's really no point in his actual sleeping in. Temari and Shikamaru enjoy calling each other in the morning to wake each other up by sharing funny stories.

This morning, Temari waits for the call while silently eating her waffles, the cell phone sitting idly by on the counter next to her. It's peaceful. A couple birds are chirping merrily outside the window. The sun has barely risen beyond the horizon, and the neighborhood is quiet and sleepy.

And Temari has forgotten that last night, she set her new ringtone to a screamo song as a joke.

_"CHYEAH YOUR GONNA DIE ALRIGHT!"_

With a small shriek, she jumps in her seat at the sudden blast of noise coming from the cell phone at top volume. With her involuntary twitch which can be explained as nothing less than epileptic, the small piece of waffle that had been stabbed onto the top of her fork goes flying through the air.

As if in slow motion Temari's eyes follow the syrupy morsel sail up and around itself, before landing with a soggy flop on top of Gaara's head.

There is a deadly pause as Gaara just blinks, the waffle oozing butter over his hair. The cell phone shakes on with the bloodlust of its ring tone.

And finally Temari cracks up. She grabs her phone clumsily and flips it open, still cackling, to cry through choking giggles, "The flying waffle attacked!"

A small silence hisses through the phone before Shikamaru's voice can be heard on the other end clearing his throat:

_"I see. Well, I'm going to say this is a wrong number and never call you again…"_

Pause.

_"Stay away from my family."_

This is:

Batteries Not Included.

—**Still Sleepy.**

"I love this car," Shikamaru says for the fifteenth time that morning.

Neji, still half-asleep, nods for the fifteenth time that morning and mumbles, "Yes."

Everyone but Temari is in Neji's black car, on their way downtown. Shikamaru immediately stole the passenger seat, convincing Karin who had originally been there that he "needed" to sit there, even though Karin's the reason they're even _in_ the car now. See, today, they have made arrangements to go downtown and find a mailbox so they can mail in Karin's application.

She'd send it by email, but since she's obsessive compulsive, she hates opening web pages and seeing all the random activity going on. It jumbles around in her mind and she, to be frank, flips her lid. She mails everything by letter, and loves it. She says it gives the message a more personal touch.

Unfortunately for her, almost every college in the world gives access to their applications most easily online, and so, after paying Neji to fill out the application for her on a computer at the local library while she blindfolded herself and answered all the questions (she literally screamed her social security number in front of a group of bookworms), Karin printed the application, and now needs to find one of the rare mailboxes that are supposedly scattered around downtown.

"We still have to get Temari," Karin reminds Neji thinly from next to Sasuke, clutching his arm as usual and fixing his hair. Sasuke does not react; he is still only half-awake, as is the rest of the car, excepting a pleasantly awake Shikamaru.

"I love this car," Shikamaru says for the sixteenth time.

"Yes," Neji says again, trying to steer while drinking a coffee.

"Where'd you get it again? I'll have to go there when I finally get enough money."

"Yes."

"…Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes."

Shikamaru raises an eyebrow thoughtfully. "Are you a dick?"

"Yes."

Shikamaru smiles.

"Are you ugly?"

"Yes."

"Are you stupid?"

"Yes."

"Am I better than you?"

"Yes."

"Can I have sex with TenTen?"

"No." Shikamaru glowers and Neji turns his head to the side with a drowsy smirk. "You thought I'd let you get away with _that_? You _know_ her bed is mine."

Five seconds later, they almost get in an accident. It seems they'd forgotten TenTen is in the back seat, and although it _looked_ like she was asleep, well…

It will take more than one diamond necklace to get her trust back this time, Neji realizes glumly, rubbing his head.

_Chapter Five_**;**  
**Like Magic.**

—**Pop and Lock.**

Karin can't really believe it, but it is. She stares at the sky-blue mailbox, glinting in the autumn sunlight outside, and groans aloud to herself.

It's _locked_.

"It's locked," TenTen says unnecessarily, standing next to her with her arms crossed behind her back.

"I know."

"This is unfortunate."

"I _know_."

"We should try unlocking it."

"_TenTen_—!"

"—Guys, seriously, what's taking you so long?" Shikamaru pokes his head out of the open car window with a frown. "We already took almost half an hour searching for the damn mailbox, can't we waste a little less time than we already have?"

"It's _locked_!" Karin hisses hysterically, pulling on her glasses sharply in frustration. "The fucking mailbox is _locked_! How can it be _locked_, Shikamaru?!"

"Well, usually one puts a key into—"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

—**Pregnancy Test.**

After unsuccessfully trying to unlock the mailbox they found on a dirty corner downtown, they decide to drive around a bit more and take a peek to see if they could find any more mailboxes. Unfortunately, they aren't getting very far.

Sasuke is desperately trying to calm Karin down, who is clenching and unclenching her fists in a frenzy. Noticing this, Temari decides to jump in and help, immediately speaking the only thing on her mind.

"You guys know those Magic 8 Balls?"

Everyone immediately redirects their attention to Temari, grateful for the change in subject. "Yeah?" "What about them?"

Temari places her chin thoughtfully on her fist. "Do you think the creators of them were ever sued because some lady used it as a pregnancy test?"

There's a small silence. TenTen coughs and mumbles, "…I…I don't know…"

"I've never thought about that before…" Karin agrees.

Sasuke's mouth is slightly open. "But it's strangely…genius…" he whispers.

Neji sighs. "Keep dreaming, buddy."

—**Good Fortune.**

Their quest for the mailbox unsuccessful, the group of them sit now in a small downtown Chinese restaurant for lunch, since TenTen and Shikamaru have together complained about their incessant hunger enough for the six of them cubed.

A tradition, they all open up their fortune cookies before the meal. The first to read theirs is Neji. Shikamaru looks over his shoulder interestedly; they're sitting on stools around a table in front of the window, sunlight flooding over them.

"What's your fortune cookie say?"

Neji looks up at Shikamaru, and the rest of them listen in. He looks back down to his fortune. "…You are ill fated…"

"…Dang. Harsh," Shikamaru laughs.

"What's yours say?" Neji asks him with a defensive glare.

Shikamaru looks down at his, and his eyes widen. "Don't laugh at other's misfortune…"

"…Fuck you."

TOPICS OF CONVERSATION.  
—**Neji**

Sasuke and Karin are arguing under their breaths. Neji supposes, as he watches them over his noodles, that they're talking about the application issue they're dealing with, so he scoots his stool over and begins to barge in to see if he can help.

"Listen, if you want to join a biker gang, just do it!"

"But I'm afraid they won't like how I cook my enchiladas!"

Neji stares at them as they continue to argue, then scoots the stool back, picks up his chopsticks and pulls up a noodle.

"Neji, are you okay?"

"…Shikamaru, what's wrong with him?"

"I think he's trying to commit suicide by…Neji, stop it! That's abusing the noodles!"

—**Fail and Brail.**

Shikamaru stares down at the same mailbox as before three hours later. So far, all they've accomplished downtown is eating out at a Chinese restaurant, almost killing each other over figuring out who would pay the parking fee in the lot near the library, and buying a small rubber ball they found while window shopping that they suspect Naruto will like, which lights up and laughs in an annoying high pitched voice every time it's dropped.

Now, Shikamaru does not really know what to say. So all he utters is, "This mailbox is possessed."

"See what I mean?!" Karin shrieks, clutching onto Sasuke's arm like a hawk. They've all, excepting Sasuke, taken a shot at opening the damn mailbox, and so far none of them have even come close.

Sasuke winces. "Can I try?"

"No," Neji says softly, shaking his head as he crosses his arms grimly and gazes at the mailbox. "No. If Shikamaru and TenTen are unable to open this thing, then it is indeed possessed. It's hopeless."

"Yeah, usually I can open anything," TenTen whispers. "But this is…"

"It's like…" Temari's eyes are huge with awe. "It's like, government bonded." She and TenTen are both resting their hands on their knees after the huge effort.

"I think I should try," Sasuke says again.

"Sasuke, if _I _can't get it, you can't," Neji mutters.

"Okay, you know what, you _told_ me to keep dreaming, so—"

"Then just stop dreaming, Sasuke," Neji says gently with a smile. "Just stop."

"Neji, you brat," Shikamaru says sadly. He sighs. "Well, we might as well walk around a bit more and try to find another mailbox. And if all else fails, we'll go to the postal office."

"Why didn't we just do that from the beginning?" TenTen asks as they begin to walk to the left down the sidewalk.

Before Shikamaru can answer, Sasuke says aloud from behind TenTen, "Neji owns your ass?"

Neji smiles as TenTen blinks and cranes her neck over her shoulder, seeing the target of Sasuke's gaze. "Yes," Neji says with much content. "Yes I do."

TenTen rolls her eyes and hits his arm playfully. "It's my pants that I had you guys sign last year, remember? You own my shin."

"Oh."

TenTen, walking backwards, raises an eyebrow. "Why were you reading my butt?"

"Why would you have something written there if you don't want anyone to read it?" Sasuke retorts immediately.

TenTen flings her hands into the air sarcastically. "Well, maybe I thought everyone would be _blind_."

"Then why didn't you write it in brail?"

"…Are you serious?"

—**Scary Romance.**

Shikamaru and Temari are on their way back to the meeting spot assigned to them all after looking around the corner in a team for some mailboxes. Not having spotted one, they try not to be too discouraged, and strike up some conversation.

"My facebook password is 'abcd1234'."

Temari blinks in confusion. "…Um…Why…" She pauses and clears her throat. "Shikamaru, why did you just give me your facebook password?"

He shrugs. "So if I die you can leave people creepy messages."

Temari grins at the logic. "My password is 'dontkillme'."

"Why is it 'dontkillme'?" Shikamaru asks with a bewildered laugh.

"That's what my brother was saying at the time."

"…I'm afraid of you…"

"Hey!" Shikamaru flinches, but before Temari can hit him in retaliation a loud whistle from a passing car makes her jump.

Shikamaru laughs a little, and she groans and slumps over. "_They_ don't think I'm scary," she mutters.

"Maybe it's because you're so _skinny_!"

"H-Hey!" Temari bursts out laughing when Shikamaru pounces on her and starts tickling her sides. "S-Stop it, seriously! Haha! Stop! Okay, okay, haha, I forgive you, stop! Haha!"

Shikamaru grins and stops tickling her, but doesn't let her go. She glowers and blows some stray bangs from her eyes, Shikamaru holding her from behind with his arms wrapped around her waist. "Would you drop me please?" she mutters.

"Nope."

"Do you really think this is an impressive style of flirting?"

"Kind of, yes." Temari glares and pulls out of his arms touchily. She begins to walk away, and Shikamaru catches up quickly. "What, you don't agree?"

"No," she says stiffly. "I think you could be more romantic than that."

Shikamaru stops walking for a second, blinking. "You want me to be more romantic…?" he asks, walking again.

"…I'm just saying you _could_ be…" she mumbles.

And in a split second—whether it's because Temari's mind has stopped working or not she doesn't know but it happens quickly—she is literally swept off her feet.

She blinks, confused as to what has just happened. But honestly, her brain isn't functioning quickly enough, because Shikamaru's face is mere centimeters from her own. His eyes swimming and pouring directly into her own, he murmurs, "Is this good enough?" in a silky voice that can only be described as the sexiest thing Temari has ever heard in her entire life.

"…What…?" she asks dumbly.

And mere seconds later, she's dropped gently to her feet, and Shikamaru is making his getaway.

Temari's eyes adjust to the light, her heartbeat returns to the normal rate, and she realizes what he's just done.

"…I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Shikamaru cackles happily as he runs away from Temari's wrath down the sidewalk, rays of sunlight following them.

—**The Magic of Karma.**

"What have you two been doing?" TenTen asks, raising an eyebrow as Shikamaru and Temari come stumbling to a halt, panting.

"Temari's been trying to kill me," Shikamaru mutters, straightening up. He suddenly notices both Neji and Karin sitting on the curb. Their arms are around each other's shoulders, and they both seem extremely depressed.

"What's wrong with them…?" Shikamaru asks. His eyes slowly travel up to Sasuke, who is standing with a triumphant grin on his face near the mailbox. "And what's up with him…?"

TenTen sighs. "Well, it seems we've been opening it the wrong way."

Temari brushes her bangs from her forehead. "What?"

"I figured out why the mailbox is 'locked'," Sasuke speaks up suddenly. His voice, different from the usual distant, ditsy half-tone, is loud and proud. "You all email each other so much that you've forgotten how to use mailboxes. You were opening it the wrong way."

The sound of cars rushing by and dogs barking down the street echoes around the alley. The sun is just beginning to set, the sky turning a sorbet orange, studded with puffs of ice cream clouds.

"Temari, you can kill me now."

"My pleasure."

Come nightfall, Shikamaru will regret being born. So are his intentions.

* * *

TRUE STORY  
—**Neji**

"Last year, on TenTen's birthday, I decided to get her a fish, because everyone else had used up all my other ideas for a present. So I went to the pet store and they gave me this _gigantic_ goldfish. It was freakin' _intense_. It was, like, _muscular_. Completely _ripped_. And then, on the way to her house, it _died_. Friggin' died as I was walking to TenTen's house. It just kind of started freaking out and began to rebound against the sides of the fishbowl. Then it got all pale and got these polka dot things covering it, and finally it just sank to the bottom of the bowl and, well…joined the choir invisible. So I had to walk all the way back to the pet shop and ask for another goldfish, possibly one that wasn't on steroids this time, and maybe a refund. But they insisted I bury the mutant fish before I get my refund. But by then, I had decided that aquatic creatures were creepy enough and not worth burying a diseased fish. So I got TenTen a charm bracelet instead, and she seemed content with it. But what freaks me out the most is that she decided to put a charm on it; in the shape of a very large fish. True story."


	6. WhyNot?

**AN. **Enjoy this chapter. It's the last there will ever be.  
That was meant to be way more lighthearted than it sounded. But seriously, this is it.  
…That too was not supposed to be so…You know what, fuck me.

* * *

—**Chill Pill.**

Sasuke hates Mondays, but fortunately he shares first hour with Karin and Neji to make up for the accursed weekday. Not only this, but Kurenai, the teacher, is kinda funny too. Strict, but funny.

And she shares a lot in common with Sasuke. They both, by random coincidence, have the same model of cell phone. And they both (also by random coincidence) prefer to keep their ring tone to the 'old fashioned ring' setting, if not on vibrate.

This morning, as Kurenai sits behind her desk and allows the students to take their notes, the sound of an old fashioned ring causes many people to jump.

Immediately, Sasuke is terrified, not for his own well-being but for his phone's. Kurenai is known to be a little impatient on Mondays (again, just like Sasuke), and when she takes away phones, she _takes away _phones. An unfortunate victim of this account usually doesn't end up seeing their precious phone for weeks on end.

As the phone continues to ring, and Karin and Neji, along with the rest of the class, stare at Sasuke, who flounders about trying to find the wretched thing, Kurenai stands up slowly and watches him carefully.

He can't seem to find it. His head swimming, some sweat trickling down the back of his neck, Sasuke gulps and faces Kurenai, whose icy eyes glare directly into his own. "Um…" he says hoarsely.

Kurenai heaves a sigh.

"It's okay. It's _my_ phone."

The entire class stares in awe at Sasuke as he slowly and carefully lowers himself into his seat, mumbling "Oh…"

Kurenai turns her phone off, and the silence hangs heavily in the air for only a few seconds before Karin mutters "Stop getting me so turned on in the morning, Sasuke. It's unhealthy."

This is:

Batteries Not Included.

—**The Avocado Theory.**

Temari is the last to walk into the teachers lounge the next morning, and she does not look happy about it. She sits down next to TenTen and grabs the coffee held out to her with melancholy.

TenTen rubs her hand in disapproval. "What's wrong with _you_?" she inquires, insulted.

Temari groans aloud and lets her head fall back onto the sofa. Speaking up to the ceiling she says, "Did you know avocadoes can't be refrigerated?"

"…What?"

Temari leans forward again and faces the room as a whole. "My brother woke me up this morning, because apparently last night I put his art project in the refrigerator. But I swear to god, it was an avocado, and I didn't _see_ the artistic side of it!"

Neji raises an eyebrow. "Good job, Temari."

Temari rolls her eyes. "Yeah, well, when I told Gaara that I only thought it was an avocado, he said that avocados can't be refrigerated, because they start getting spots on them."

"Aw, so now his art project is spotted?" Karin says with pity.

TenTen shrugs. "I dunno, it might look even better that way!"

Shikamaru tilts his head to the side. "Wait, your brother made art out of an _avocado_? How did he manage to do that?"

"He carved it," Temari says with a nod, sipping on her coffee. "He carved in the back of it a suburban city set one thousand years in the future."

Sasuke frowns. "But I thought we'll all be dead by then," he says. Everyone turns to stare at him. He puts a finger in the air, nodding hurriedly. "Yeah! You guys said that in 2010, the Mongolians predicted the apocalypse will wipe us all out!"

"Sasuke, you're missing the basic picture here," Neji says, shaking his head.

But Shikamaru grins. "Yeah. One thousand years in the future, we'll all be living in avocadoes."

It's silent for a few seconds, then Karin sighs and stands. "Well, that settles it," she says. "I'm going back in time to kill the Mongolians." She seriously pushes her glasses up her nose, the lenses glinting.

"I will not give in to the possibility that I may smell like an avocado 'till I die. I will not."

TenTen stares at her in awe. "It's like witnessing the birth of the Declaration of Independence."

_Chapter Six_**;  
Why Not?**

—**Speed Boat Sociology.**

"What was that test for?" Neji asks interestedly later that morning. It's about fifteen minutes before the warning bell, and Karin's sitting next to him on the sofa, looking over a test.

"Sociology," she mumbles, and gives a little giggle. "I had no idea such a test could be so much fun."

"A sociology test, fun?" TenTen asks, raising an eyebrow. "That's rare."

"Well, not with this teacher." Karin grins and holds the test high. "All the _wrong_ answers are so obvious!"

"Like how?" Shikamaru inquires.

Karin grins and reads aloud a sample. "Question 34: 'What is one of the benefits of socialization?' A: It gives people a better understanding of how animals react to their sub consciences. B: It allows people to step back and look at everyone else from an unbiased point of view. C: It's a method used to teach children of young ages how to accept other cultures." She pauses. "D: It helps people learn how to put together and take apart a speed boat."

"…What?"

"It gets better," Karin snickers. "Question 65: This may seriously injure a person's mental, physical and emotional health. For answer 'C' it says: 'Not learning how to ride a speed boat."

"…Why speed boa—?"

"Question 70: What is socialization? For answer 'B' it says: 'The feeling, understand and believing of operating the motor of a speed boat. Question 82: What is pop culture? For answer 'C' is says: A speed boat. Question—"

"—Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on…" Neji says, interrupting as TenTen tries to breath through her fit of giggles. Temari looks a little frightened. "Let me see that test."

"Sure." Karin, laughing merrily, hands it over, and Neji flips through it to the front page.

"…Karin…" he says slowly as Shikamaru makes sure Sasuke's alright.

"Yeah?"

Neji, mouth agape, seems to be trying to find his breath. He coughs, then scratches the back of his neck, nodding the packet. "It…" He sighs.

"It says here you failed."

"…Yeah, bite me…"

—**This is Sparta?**

"So what's the news today?" Temari asks as Shikamaru walks into the lunch room. She and Sasuke are the only ones in there when he arrives, and both are sitting at the table.

He sits down between them and grabs one of Sasuke's sandwiches. "Well, my Ancient Civilization teacher reenacted the Battle of Thermopylae using an umbrella, five dominoes, and a piece of paper with the words 'The Persians and their gigantic elephants of Doom' on it."

Temari blinks. "…May I marry him?"

"Only if I don't get him first. Then we'll have to fight it out," Sasuke says seriously.

Shikamaru waves his sandwich in the air. "May the best Spartan enthusiast win."

—**Fluffinmuffin!**

"Oh my kittens."

Everyone's attention is directed to TenTen, who is lounging in the couch later at lunch, and sits up slowly. In her shaking hands she holds delicately like the Holy Grail her cell phone, and in her eyes reflects a sort of wisdom and goodness she obviously can not explain.

"…Do you need a hospital, ma'am?" Shikamaru asks carefully.

"I think I've brought Salvation back to this world," TenTen whispers intensely, gazing at the screen of her phone and trying to control her breathing.

"Spit it out, Ten," Karin demands loudly.

TenTen suddenly runs over to the table where everyone else is, and slams herself and her cell phone (though she's more ginger with it than she is with herself) on the table top, causing everyone there to jump and save their food. She holds up the cell phone and says breathlessly, and with barely a pause between words: "I've been trying for _months_ to figure out what the school's wi-fi password is on my iPhone!"

"…Yeah, so…?" Neji asks almost nervously.

"I've just figured it out!" she cries ecstatically.

"Well what is it?"

She faces them all and straightens up. "You have to believe me," she says softly. "Whatever I say, promise you'll trust me."

"…Uh…Okay…?"

"Just tell us already!"

TenTen takes a deep breath. "Alright. The password to this school's wi-fi connection, conceived by the head of technology himself mister Jiraiya is…"

After a long pause she says very clearly and with much articulation:

"Fluffin. Muffin."

A long, steady silence.

Neji repeats the word, as if to convince himself. "Fluffin…Muffin…?"

"Fluffinmuffin," TenTen says with a nod, confirming it.

Now Shikamaru tries it. "Fluffinmuffin…?"

"Fluffinmuffin!"

Temari stares at TenTen in awe. "Fluffinmuffin."

"_Fluffin…__**muffin**_!"

"Fluffin…_muffin_…" Karin whispers.

"Fluffinmuffin!"

"…Muffin…Fluffin…?"

Everyone looks at Sasuke, and TenTen loses the spark in her eye and sighs. "…Ah, Sasuke, you killed it."

"Yeah, it's over."

"It was fun while it lasted…"

—**Custard Boys.**

After school, they're waiting in the teacher's lounge for Neji to get back from a math test. Temari seems to be interested in a thought, and, as usual, she voices it aloud:

"I wonder why boys are so much weirder than girls."

Shikamaru looks over and raises an eyebrow."We aren't weirder than girls."

Temari shrugs. "Yeah, whatever…" She looks up and smiles at Neji. "Hey you."

Neji's face is blank, and he leans against the door frame. "Guys. Naruto's covered in custard. But we fed him the noodles anyways."

Shikamaru blinks. "…I take it back…"

TOPICS OF CONVERSATION.  
**—Sasuke**

Later, Sasuke and Shikamaru are sitting side by side along the curb of the parking lot behind the High School, waiting for Neji to pick them up after ditching them to drive the girls home since they wanted to get some sodas from the vending machines.

"Why do girls like shopping without clothes on?"

Sasuke tries to ignore Shikamaru, who's talking to Temari on his cell phone, and continues to finish his Pre-Calculus homework.

"I don't care if it's shiny, it's considered theft."

Sasuke flips a page of his book numbly.

"Aren't there, like, only thirty left in the world?"

Sasuke squints and presses his pencil sharply to the paper.

"Just destroy it and sell it on eBay."

Sasuke looks up slowly to Shikamaru. Then down at his homework, and slams his book shut. Shikamaru notices and glances at him. "What's wrong?"

"_Life_," he whispers intensely.

—**Squash Tree.**

"Geeze, Sasuke, what's your problem?" TenTen asks finally. They're in Neji's basement, sharing Sasuke and Neji's two beds and watching the television, throwing popcorn at each other and trying not to explode too many soda cans.

Sasuke groans. "I've just had a really weird day."

"Enlighten us," Shikamaru says simply.

"Well half of it's your fault," Sasuke mutters. "And half of it's Neji's fault for ditching us. And the other half—"

"—That makes mathematically no sense," TenTen points out. A large fistful of popcorn is thrown at her head a second later.

Sasuke heaves a sigh as Karin taps him sharply on the head, her way of ordering him to calm down and continue. "And…another _part_ of it, is that I had another weird moment in Chemistry earlier."

"What happened?" Neji asks with pity.

"Remember that squash I found in the supply cabinet? Well, I finally got up the guts to ask my teacher why it was there."

"What did he say?"

"…That he was trying to grow a squash tree."

"…Why…?" Temari whispers sadly.

Shikamaru frowns. "I agree with what you said earlier, Sasuke: 'Life'."

"Well, life is funny," Karin points out.

Neji nods. "Why not?"

And if there's anything we can all agree on, that is it.

* * *

TRUE STORY.  
—**TenTen**

"Last year, I bought an enormous bin of Sharpies, and I had everyone sign my pants, since I'd forgotten to buy a year book. People started claiming different parts of my lower body. Shikamaru even drew an arrow to my crotch and wrote, 'Shikamaru was here,' as a joke. That only resulted in Temari giving him a punch on his arm so vicious that he got a bruise, so the next time we all went over to her house, he drew a _target_ on the crotch of a pair of _her _pants, to make up for it. Anyways, since Sasuke couldn't do this with Karin, he suggested to Neji wanted that he sign my ass, and since Neji couldn't pass up the opportunity to own my ass, he obliged. So we both had to kneel in very awkward positions so he was able to write on it. It was fun for a while, and we were all laughing as Neji tried to write on the seat of my pants. But then we got as big a surprise as some of the driving students. As I kneeled there, Neji leaning over me with a marker to my ass, over the loudspeaker an old lady said, 'All cars parked inappropriately will be towed.' True story."

* * *

THE END.  
—**ForNow**

It is the first day of November. The weather is already starting to cool, the sky already darkening with clouds.

Naruto Uzumaki is walking past the teachers lounge when he stops in surprise and turns to the doorway, hearing voices. Walking on in, and capturing the attention of the nine students sitting there, who turn to stare at him, he says aloud, "Where are my pants?"

It should not be a mystery that none of them seem to find this strange at all.


End file.
